This time of year, I inevitably look back on the past year and reflect on what I've learned and how I've grown. This year I learned what I need to do to maintain my physical and emotional health and the importance of consistency.
In addition to looking back, I also look forward and think about the coming year. The words that come to mind for me in looking ahead are Open, Expansive, Opportunity, Limitless. It feels exciting to me. One thing that blows my mind is how fast this year flew by and I'm pretty sure it's going to continue at the same speed or even feel faster as I get older. So while I am curious and very excited for what this year holds, I am deeply committed to remaining present and enjoying the ride. Thank you 2023. Welcome 2024. Sometimes there comes a point where you’ve just got to make a change. When the thing you are doing, the job you are working or the place you are living just isn’t working for you any longer.
It would seem that if you want to make a change that you would simply decide to do it and then do it. But it’s not always that easy, is it? Even if you are so miserable and want something so bad, you can still get “stuck in the mud”. Why is that??? There are a number of reasons.. It feels too big. You are overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Or You’ve been doing the thing so long, it’s part of you now. Or You don’t feel like you have the right support system around you. Whatever the reason, the key is understanding that it’s all about momentum. You’ve been building/running on momentum up to this point, now you have to start building momentum in the direction of the change you want to make. What does that look like? It looks like taking 1 tiny step at a time. Even if you think it’s too little to make any significant change. The fact is that it might not on its own, but the point is to GET STARTED. Do the 1 tiny step over and over until you don’t even have to think about it anymore. Then take another tiny step….then another…. All these tiny steps create momentum, propelling you towards the change you want. What is 1 tiny step you can make today? Maybe it is to reach out for support to get you started. Studies show you are more likely to create change with support from a life coach. Is it right for you? Why not find out? What is it costing you to not take action right now? There is a sound bite going around right now that asks what you hear, "Laurel or Yanny", two completely different words that sound nothing alike. You hear it so clearly that it's unbelievable how anyone can hear anything different.
I thought this is such a good metaphor for life. You know what I'm talking about...when someone is telling a story "all wrong". You know how it went because you were there too. And you just can't believe they remember it so "wrong". Is it wrong? Or are you wrong? The truth is, both are probably right. But how can that be? For one thing, there are so many bytes of information constantly downloading that our brains can't process everything. It has to filter a bunch of it out and different brains will filter different information. A great example of this is when you are thinking about buying a particular car. Suddenly you see that car everywhere! Why? They've always been there, but now you are filtering for it. It does this based on our priorities, life experiences, beliefs, expectations, etc. All of this shapes how we filter and process information. This is useful to keep in mind when dealing with people, either in general in everyday life or in our relationships. When you have difficulty agreeing on even the simplest things, keep in mind that you really are seeing it differently. Instead of getting frustrated and calling them crazy, or arguing, insisting they see it your way, it's worthwhile to find out more about how they are seeing it and seek to understand their perspective. It can relieve some stress on the relationship and you might learn something in the process! How often do you get frustrated and discouraged because you just can't seem to get done what you set out to do? It can be something small like completing your list for the day or something bigger like losing the 50 lbs you've been trying to lose for what seems like forever. It's so easy to get down on ourselves, or beat ourselves up over it. Maybe it's not happening as fast as you would like. Or it's always 1 step forward, steps back.
Our minds tend to automatically go to the negative. We focus on our failures and shortcomings. This thinking causes us mental anxiety which creates stress in the body, which raises cortisol levels. And we know cortisol is a big culprit to keeping weight on. So just our thoughts alone can perpetuate the cycle of weight gain/loss that you are constantly trying to get out of. How can you break this cycle? By acknowledging yourself for the progress you have made. Even if seems really small, like 5 lbs. It's still 5 lbs! You've made progress. Any step forward is still a step forward. Give yourself some credit for it. When you take the time to acknowledge yourself for even the smallest successes, it puts you in a stronger, more positive frame of mind and builds up confidence in yourself and you will be more likely to make decisions that will keep you moving forward. So next time you are beating yourself up over your shortcomings, stop and consciously start thinking of what progress you have made. Now this will probably take a little practice and might even feel a little uncomfortable at first because it hasn't been your habit to think this way. But little by little you will soon find that it gets easier and will start happening more naturally. And when your thoughts are focused more on the positive, your mind and body will be more relaxed and you will notice more positive things begin happening in your life. You've got this! The term "Life Coach" is becoming commonplace now, but what is it really? What do they actually do? Well, I can't speak for everyone who calls themselves a Life Coach but I thought I'd use this opportunity to talk about what I do (and don't do) as a Life Transformation Coach. Let's start with why you would need someone like myself... If you find yourself coming up against the same situation, over and over, month after month, year after year, and you are so sick of it, and you've been trying to go figure it out alone, beating yourself up over not having enough willpower to make the changes you want, and you are finally ready, once and for all to make the change, it's time to call me. Why not just talk to a good friend? Friends are so important in our lives and absolutely key to our sanity. But what often happens is we "dump" all our stuff on them, they listen, maybe give us some advice and we feel some relief. This may last weeks or months but the steam builds up again as we continually find ourselves in the same situation, we call our friend and "dump" our stuff on them again, etc. etc. The same pattern continues, with no real change. So how am I different? First, I listen on a level that is different than normal conversation. I listen in a way that is 100% focused on you, listening for patterns, conflicts, or beliefs that may be occurring on the subconscious level. Second, I help you get really clear about what it is you are wanting to change. When you are in a "desperate" state, it's hard to think clearly and everything can get jumbled in our minds. We tend to get singularly focused, only seeing the situation one way and can't see any clear solutions. Third, I don't give advice. I, or anybody else for that matter, don't know what's best for you. Only you have that information. It's just that our brains get so noisy that we can't even think straight or access the part of ourselves that holds those answers. I help you quiet the chatter and create some space for you to feel more calm and peaceful, opening up access to those answers. And lastly, I have a unique set of "tools" to help you see the patterns, or subconscious beliefs that are keeping you stuck in your present situation. This is where the lasting change happens, by becoming aware of our patterns and beliefs, you are then able to create new ones that are more in line with what you want. Now, let's talk about something people tend to shy away from...Money. It's true that when you pay for something, your commitment level goes up, you tend to value it more and you will put more effort into your outcome. So by paying someone who is 100% focused on you and helping you achieve your outcome, your success rate skyrockets. So if you are finally ready to move forward and make the changes that you've been wanting, don't let more time pass you by, partner with someone that is fully committed to supporting you in your transformation process and let's get you started on the road to experiencing life in a way that brings you more joy, satisfaction and peace. Let's do this together! "Words have power. I am sure you have heard that before and probably think about it in the context of how you are talking to other people. How you talk to someone can influence how they respond to what you are telling them. But do you ever listen to the way you talk to yourself? If you stop and consider for a moment, you might realize that you talk to yourself in a way that you would never talk to someone else, perhaps using really negative language or berating yourself. If you are trying to lose weight, this can have an affect on your results. How so? The language we use has a direct affect on our nervous system and emotional health. Let's take, for example, some common words that we use often like "bad" and "should". Take a moment, close your eyes and say the word "bad". Just notice how your body feels. It may be very subtle. Now say the word "good". Go back and forth between the two a couple of times. "Bad" has a heavier feeling and makes the shoulders go down. "Good" has a much lighter feel, shoulders go up and back, head nods in a yes. Now say the word "should". How does your body feel with that word? It has a really heavy feeling to me, especially across the shoulders and chest. Even my brain feels a little dark. Now say "could" and notice the change in your body. It feels very light and even expansive. Do the same with these words, going back and forth between the two a couple of times, just noticing the subtle, or maybe not so subtle differences. Now, taking it a step further, how often do you say "I really shouldn't be eating this" or "I really should be doing that". To me, these phrases have a negative feeling that takes away choices, like there is only one right way to do something when, in fact, there are many ways of doing something. Now say "I could eat this", or "I could do that". Suddenly, I feel much lighter. I feel like I actually have a choice in the matter and have more power over the situation. Doesn't that feel much better? While, changing our words may not directly affect our circumstances, they definitely affect how we think, feel and respond. If we are in a more positive mindset, we are going to make better choices towards reaching our goals and ultimately making us more successful. My simple challenge to you is to just start paying attention to your choice of words, especially in how you talk to yourself. Notice the positive changes that happen when you begin using more positive language. If you're struggling to lose weight, and you think that you just need to have more will-power, I invite you to think about another possibility. You may be running some subconscious program that is contradictory to what it is you say you want. "What does that mean?", you may ask. Let me elaborate... our brain is divided into two parts, the conscious part. This is the logical part of the brain where we try to solve our problems. And the subconscious part, or you can also think of it as the nervous system. This is where we hold all of our life experiences and the beliefs that we create about those experiences. I'll give you a couple of examples...as a small child, if you touch a hot stove, you immediately form the belief that stoves can hurt you and you should be careful around them. You will probably carry this belief with you the rest of your life. This is an obvious one. A less obvious one is, perhaps you grew up in a house where children are seen but not heard. Maybe children weren't even supposed to be seen very often. A small child, who doesn't really have the capability to see a situation for what it is and reason logically about it, can easily form the belief that this means they are not loved, wanted, or valued. It is very common to carry this belief through life and affect how we feel about ourselves. Now, remember, these beliefs are carried in the nervous system, or subconscious brain, so, as an adult, thinking with the logical or conscious part of your brain you may think, "Of course I'm lovable, wanted and valuable". But the subconscious part of your brain says something quite different. If your subconscious belief is..."I'm not worthy or lovable", this could show up as stubborn extra weight. The body tends to take our thoughts in a literal sense, so if children weren't supposed to be seen, weight is one way it can be trying to hide. In this case, trying to solve a subconscious problem using the conscious mind can cause a lot of frustration, to say the least. So, now the question is, "What do you do about it?". Well, just as technology becomes obsolete, many of our internal programs that were formed years ago have become outdated. Some still have value, like the belief about the hot stove...still very valid. But the way we think about ourselves or view the world is often a result of the environment we were in at the time those beliefs were originally formed and we don't even realize how much it affects our present lives. So it's time to update your internal program! There are a lot of ways to do that. Neuro-linguistics (NLP), literally meaning the language of the nervous system, is a great way to understand how you are "thinking" about things. Hypnotherapy is also a great tool to quiet the noise of the conscious mind to understand what is really going on below the surface. If you are stuck in a pattern and just can't seem to break it, I invite you to do a system update. You won't regret it! I touched on this topic of different parts of ourselves briefly in my last blog and wanted to expand on it because I believe it is a really important topic and one that is central to a lot of our challenges in life. When I say "parts of ourselves" I'm talking about the deeper, intangible parts that make you you. The adventurous part, the loving part, the comedian part, the caring part, the creative part and so on and so on. All these parts together make up our complete self. And when a part gets ignored or suppressed, over time, it can show up in the form of a physical symptom, such as a chronic illness or as excess weight. We are born whole, complete beings. As we grow, our environment plays a huge role in our development and which parts get expressed and which suppressed. For instance, if you are born into a family of entertainers or musicians, it is likely those are the qualities that will be encouraged to be brought out in you. On the flip side, if a parent plays an overly domineering role, it may not be a safe environment to express feelings and emotions or to have a differing opinion so the part that learns to do this will be suppressed. This is a "survival" tactic while we are growing because we naturally want love and acceptance, especially from our family. So in order to get the love we are needing we push down, or suppress these parts of us that may appear to create conflict. This becomes a subconscious "habit". One that we are not even aware we are doing and may carry into our life going forward. This may serve us well at the time we start the "habit". For instance, a small child responding to a family environment and doing what is necessary to receive desired love. But as we grow, this subconscious habit is no longer useful and can even be detrimental to our well-being. If we are not able to express ourselves, it can lead to us being a "doormat", unable to stand up for yourself, or say no, and get "walked on" all the time or taken advantage of. This part of you is wanting and needing to be heard and so will show up eventually in a physical way, as I mentioned earlier. Sure we can take a prescription to alleviate symptoms, or try to diet and exercise our way out of this but it will always be a struggle until we acknowledge that part of ourselves that is needing to be heard. It is only when we accept and acknowledge all parts of ourselves and recognize the value that each part brings, that our bodies can find true balance. Even the parts that we deem as "bad", if we at least acknowledge it's positive intention for us, then it can begin to integrate in a more resourceful way. So, for instance, the "bad" part of us that wants to eat chocolate cake if we're trying to lose weight, recognizing that what we really want is comfort, acknowledge that part that's actually needing comfort, then you may be able to find comfort in a way that's healthier for you. When you are in the habit of suppressing a part of you, it may be difficult at first to understand or get in touch with that part. Yoga, meditation or a mentor/guide can help you. Don't give up, because once you start tuning into and acknowledging all parts of you and recognizing their value, you will be amazed at the positive changes you begin seeing in your life. I believe it's possible for you. Do you ever find yourself doing something that is a direct contradiction to something you say you want for yourself? For instance, you want to lose weight or eat healthy foods but then you find yourself eating stuff that you know isn't in line with that goal. And maybe not just having "some" but really going to town on it. The whole time saying to yourself, "I shouldn't be doing this, why am I doing this". Afterwards, the guilt and shame set in and you get so MAD at yourself. It's a very predictable cycle and one that we all do to some degree and it can be in lots of different areas of life but since I work with women around weight issues and healthy lifestyle we'll stick to that example. I want to say first that this is a large topic and I'm going to stick to just one layer of it. And that is... behind every behavior, there is a positive intention. "What could possibly be the positive intention behind eating food that isn't in line with my goals?", you might ask. The answer is, we are constantly trying to meet a need. That need can be comfort, love, acceptance, control, or any number of other things. So, while there is a part of you that wants to be fit, healthy, strong and energetic, there is another part of you that wants love, comfort, acceptance, reward for hard work, etc. and one way to achieve that is by eating "comfort" foods. This creates that Inner Conflict. We usually aren't in touch with this part of ourselves, in fact we call it "evil" or "bad" and try really hard to push it down. We get so angry at ourselves, feel guilty, thinking ourselves weak and lacking enough will-power. But when you actually give this part of yourself, the one causing the "bad" behavior, a voice, and allow it to be heard and understood, a healing can begin to occur and these two sides can begin to find a balance. The body wants to be in balance and is constantly trying to maintain balance but by making one side right and the other wrong it will continue to cause major disruption and continue fueling this internal conflict. By understanding what each side is wanting and needing, you can begin to find ways that will meet the needs of both. If it is a reward you're needing for working so hard or being so "good", maybe instead of binge-ing on unhealthy foods, you can treat yourself to a massage or pedicure. Or a cozy blanket that will give you comfort when you're tired. Or even some quiet time in a bath with a good book. See, when you become aware of what your are actually needing rather than purely responding to impulse, you can start coming up with other options. When you start listening to the different parts of yourself and giving each part equal importance, you will notice that anxious feeling caused by the internal conflict will be replaced with a peaceful calm feeling. Wouldn't that be a great way to go through life? When you think about your bigger vision for yourself...better health, better relationships, more money, career change, etc, do you get so overwhelmed that you end up doing nothing? Time ticks by and you find yourself in the exact same spot year after year. There is so much that you should be doing, yet you do nothing. And forget big goals, you might even do this in your daily life. You've got a list of things that need to be done but just don't get around to doing it. Some might call it procrastination, and some people are really, really good at it. If this is you, you are not alone. You might look at the end goal and it just seems so big that it paralyzes you. I'm certainly familiar with this feeling. I like to call it the "marathon effect". I came up with this term because, as a friend was telling me about all the marathons she was running that season, I found myself feeling paralyzed with anxiety about all the miles that had to be run to complete, not just 1 marathon, but 5. I could not wrap my head around it, especially since I rarely run for exercise, and when I do it's literally 30 minutes and done, even if I can physically keep going. So, I asked her, "how do you stand there on the start line knowing that you have to run 26.2 miles right then? What is going through your mind?" Her answer has stuck with me for years, "Before I can run 26 miles I have to run 10. Before I run 10 I have to run 5. Before that 2. But before running even 1 single mile, I have to take a single step, then another step and so on." That makes it seem so do-able, doesn't it? Breaking it down step by step. I've literally gone back to that story many, many times when thinking about my own goals. When I find myself paralyzed in in-action, the question I come back around to is this, "What is one step I can do today that will get me closer to my goal?" Now, in addition to the size of the goal, another trap that may paralyze you is thinking that you have to have all the steps planned out perfectly before getting started. Or, if you can't do each thing perfectly, then why even do it at all. This thinking will keep you stuck forever because, really, when can you do everything perfectly? And how many times have you started something thinking it will turn out one way and it ends up being something completely different but just as great or better than you imagined it? So whether you are wanting to be healthier, have a better relationship, etc. know that it is a series of lots of little steps that will eventually get you to your goal and ask yourself ,"What is one step that I can take today that will move me in the direction of my goal?" Now go do it! |
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